Technology Jokes | Best and Funniest
This page contains information about the funniest top 100 technology jokes that are funny weird or silly. Examples are jokes about computers, websites, gadgets and so on ... If that's what you're loooking for then this is the place for you. Below you will find a table of the top technology jokes, containing the best of the best. Enjoy and make sure to add this page to your favourite section for easy reference in the future.
Quote of the day November 29th, 2014
The wisest men follow their own direction.
| How do two programmers make money?|
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses
|"Knock, knock.Who's there?" |
very long pause...
|1. Viruses replicate quickly.|
Windows does this.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.
Maybe Windows really is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.
|A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. |
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."
The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have curtains."
And the blonde said, "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"
|A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.|
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
|A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, |
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
|A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. "Kiss me and I will turn into a princess."|
The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours."
The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. "I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask."
The guy says, "Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is very cool!"
|A husband and wife are eating soup. the wife spills soup all over her and says: |
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"yes and you also have soup all over you!"
|A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."|
|A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" |
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
|A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, |
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car. The Patrol Man said to the man\'s wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
|A man finds a genie lamp. |
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."
|A man goes hiking. he gets tired after a while and finds a cave to rest in he sees a shining light at the end of the tunnel its a magic lamp he rubs it and a genie pops out. |
The genie says, "I will give you three wishes but there's a catch, everything you wish for your wife gets double."
So the man says okay.
First he wishes for a convertible, the genie says, "OK your wife gets double."
Then he wishes for a million dollars, the genie says, "OK your wife gets double."
Then his last wish is, "Beat me half to death."
|A man goes to see a wizard and says 'can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?' 'Maybe,' says the wizard, 'if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?' The man replies without hesitation 'I pronounce you man and wife ...'|
|A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" |
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
|A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to. |
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
|A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picked up the bottle, dusted it off, and POOF, a genie came out. The genie said that he would grant the man one wish.|
"Well, I'd like to go to Hawaii. But, I'm afraid of flying, and I don't like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii." said the man.
"That's impossible!" said the genie. "You'll have to make another wish."
"Okay, I want to know how to be a successful computer programmer." replied the man.
"How many lanes do you want on that bridge?" asked the genie.
|A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. |
'I want to travel around the world with my darling husband', says the wife ... 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand !
Husband says 'sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ...' So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92 !
|A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.|
When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.
She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error?
There isn't even a keyboard attached?
|A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.|
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
|A slutty girl is flirting with two guys in a chat room. One of them asks, "What state are you from?" While the other asks, "What do you do for a living."|
To satisfy both of them, she replied, "Idaho."
|A system administrator has 2 problems: |
|A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. |
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
|A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement. |
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
|A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” |
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
|A woman gives birth to a baby..... Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." |
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis...
AND a brain!!!"
|A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. |
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
|A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a blonde? |
B: It's a blonde. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother
|After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. |
What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled,
"The meaning of dreams"
|An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. |
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
|An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.|
He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
|Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.|
|Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol.|
However, researchers go on to say that the internet is actually much more dangerous than these addictive substances, since it is a terminal addiction.
|AT&T is reportedly interested in buying internet provider America Online. Federal officials are concerned that the merged corporation might create a monopoly on busy signals.|
|Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour."|
Bill Gates continued, "Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replied, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
|Boy asks his Gran nervously, 'have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD ?' |
Gran replies 'fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!'
|Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence.|
After months of virtual kinky-ness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe. Bunny arrived a little late.
One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe. "Are you Bob?" asked Bunny. "Yes I am," said Bob.
"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were tall, dark and handsome."
"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You told me that you were skinny, blonde, and female."
|category: Family jokes20-6-2009Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. |
The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."
|Deer Hunter |
A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
>The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"
|First man: You know, I hear Microsoft is going to start making Condoms.|
Second man: That gives a whole new meaning to the words, “General Protection Fault.”
|Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. |
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect blonde? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect blonde. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
|Friday, we had a tornado drill. Our department is situated underneath a parking garage (funny how corporations just love putting the nerds in a basement), and there's a PA announcement repeating itself ad nauseum: "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows."|
Somebody yelled out: "Quick! Get to a DOS prompt."
|Girl: What if a boy hugs me? |
Mom: Say Don't
Girl: What if he kisses me?
Mom: Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!.....
|Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.|
|HOW did an Intelligent BOY PROPOSE to a Girl. |
He TOOK the Girl ALONG with him on a BOAT & in the MIDDLE of River said: "LOVE ME or LEAVE the BOAT."
|How do you tell if a blonde is using a computer? |
Their's liquid paper all over the screen!
|Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger? |
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: how does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!
|I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.|
|Marriage is a three ring circus ... engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering ...|
|Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" |
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...""
|Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples: |
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.
Guess which has occurred?
|Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement. |
"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
|Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story. |
"Once upon a time there was a white bunny....."
"Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.
Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...."
"Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!"
"Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny......"
|Mr. Johnston, a businessman from Colorado, recently went on a business trip to Arizona. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jo Ann, to let her know that he had arrived safely.|
Unfortunately, he mistyped a few letters and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
|Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.|
|One day in 1999, Saint Peter called Bill Clinton, Colon Powell, and Bill Gates up to heaven. He said to them, "I've called you here because you are the three most influential spokespersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tomorrow."|
So, Bill Clinton went back and said, "Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he is blowing up the world tomorrow."
Colon Powell went back and said, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tomorrow.
Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the internet and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the three most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is that the Y2K problem is solved."
|One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely misse the target.|
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
|Programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."|
Son: "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"
|Q: How many Windows 98 support staff employees does it take to change a light bulb?|
A: Well, we have an exact copy of your bulb here, and it works fine. Did you check your CONFIG.SYS?
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a hardware problem, man!
Q. Why did the Y2K programmer cross the road?
A. Because the other side pays $125 hour.
|Question: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98? |
Answer: 3 years
|Question: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?|
Answer: The warning label.
|Question: Why can't MICROSOFT built any cars? |
Answer: Cause when an accident happens the airbag always asks: "Are you sure?"
|Quite a number of years ago, Abraham wanted to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.|
Isaac was incredulous. "Pop," he said, "you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 MB of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95."
But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "God will provide the RAM, my son."
|Redmond WA (AP)|
Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a $54 million lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi, the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids, is an infringement of its intellectual property.
"Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me," stated MSFT spokesman Eric Longford. "This is clearly an infringement on our technology."
Bandai refused to comment on the suit
|Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" |
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
|Son: Dad, what is an idiot? |
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
|The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI ...|
|The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. |
I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
|The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.|
The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.
|The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... a little strange.|
While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another:"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
|The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day. So I said, 'gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ...'|
|There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. |
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
|They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"|
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
|This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging."|
"Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"
|This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dinning table and eat our dinner!" |
As they sat at the dinning table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"
The husband says, " That is because you have your tits in the soup!"
|Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. |
One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."
|Two male computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, "Hey. Nice bike! Where did you get it?"|
"Well," replied the second student, "I was walking to class the other day, when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all off her clothes, and says, 'You can have ANYTHING you want'."
"Good choice." said the first computer science student. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
|What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman? |
The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
|Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband: |
"So, how do I look?"
"Well, at least you tried..."
|Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol. |
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."
|You have just received the "Kentucky Virus"!!!|
As we aren’t got no programming experience, this here Virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.