Kids Jokes | Best and Funniest
This page contains information about the funniest top 100 kids jokes that are funny weird or silly. Examples are jokes about children, babies, teenagers and so on ... If that's what you're loooking for then this is the place for you. Below you will find a table of the top kids jokes, containing the best of the best. Enjoy and make sure to add this page to your favourite section for easy reference in the future.
Quote of the day September 19th, 2014
Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one.
|"Dad," asks Bernie, "where did Morris the cow go last night?" |
"I don't know son, where did he go?" says his dad.
"He went to the movies," replies Bernie.
|"Dad," asks Daniel, "where would you be able to weigh Jonah's whale?" |
"I don't know, Daniel," says his dad, "do you know where?"
"Yes," replies Daniel, "at a whale-weigh station."
|"Mummy," asks Rachel, "which months have 28 days in them?" |
"February," replies her mum.
"No, mummy, don't be stupid," says Rachel, "all the months have 28 days in them."
|"Mummy," says Sarah, "do you know that road they?ve built over Golders Green?" |
"Yes," replies her mum.
"Well," says Sarah, "do you know what name my friends have given it?"
"No, what are they calling it?" asks her mum.
"The Passover," replies Sarah.
|A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. |
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"
|A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter: |
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 yr. old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied,
|A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" |
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
|Abraham is walking home alone late one foggy night when he hears a strange sound coming from behind him. BUMP BUMP BUMP. He starts to walk faster, then he looks behind and through the fog he sees an upright coffin bouncing its way down the middle of the road toward him. BUMP BUMP BUMP. Frightened, he starts to run toward his house, but the coffin continues to bounce after him. |
Abraham runs faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP BUMP BUMP. He runs even faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP BUMP BUMP.
When Abraham reaches his house, he runs up to his front door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him. But suddenly, the coffin CRASHES through his front door and begins to bounce towards him, with the coffin lid banging up and down all by itself. Clappity ? BUMP Clappity ? BUMP Clappity ? BUMP.
Even more terrified now, Abraham thinks, -who's in the coffin?? He rushes upstairs to the bathroom as fast as he can and locks himself in. His heart is pounding and his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. But with a loud CRASH, the coffin breaks down the bathroom door. Now it's bouncing and banging toward him again. Clappity - BUMP Clappity - BUMP Clappity ? BUMP.
Abraham screams and reaches for something! Anything! But all he can find is a bottle of cough medicine. Desperate, he throws the cough medicine at the coffin.
AND GUESS WHAT?... the coffin stops.
|As the Hebrew teacher is describing to his class how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, little Sam interrupts, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving and she turned into a telephone pole."|
|At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret and this makes it very easy to blackmail them merely by saying, "I know the whole truth." |
So Little Johnny decides to try it out. When he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, "I know the whole truth." His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your mother."
The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy decides to try again. "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real daddy a nice big hug!"
|Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.|
"So, how did you do, son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
|Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. |
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
|Emma, Hannah and Melissa are robbing a greengrocer's shop when suddenly they hear a security guard coming. So they all jump into 3 nearby sacks. |
The security guard kicks the first sack and says, "What's in here?"
Emma says, "Meow."
The security guard goes to the second sack, kicks it and says, "What's in here?"
Hannah says, "Woof woof."
The security guard goes to the last sack, kicks it and says, "What's in here?"
Melissa says, "Potatoes."
|It was August and little Hannah was on holiday with her parents. One day, her dad says to her, -Did you know that they don't allow elephants on this beach?? |
-Because they can't keep their trunks up.?
|ittle Leah asks her dad, -Do you know what happened when the lion ate the comedian?? |
-No, I don't, darling.?
-He felt funny.?
|Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head." |
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
|Just before she went to bed, little Ruth's mum asks her a question, -Do you know how to make milk shake, darling?? |
-No I don't, mum.?
-You give it a good fright.?
|Little Freda was at the Zoo with her dad when he asks her, -What do you call a deer with no eyes, darling?? |
|Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. |
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse", she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too.
His mother then says, "Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!"
|Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?" "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"|
|Little Leah is on holiday. One day, she goes to the beach with her mummy and daddy. "Mummy," says Leah, "I think the sea is very friendly." |
"Why do you say that, Leah?" says her mummy.
"Because," replies Leah, "it waved."
|Little Moshe's dad asks him one day, -Do you know what the hat said to the scarf?? |
-No, daddy, I don't,? replies Moshe.
-You hang around while I go on ahead,? says his dad.
|Little Naomi said to her mum, -Mum, what's got four legs and one foot?? |
-I don't know,? said her mum.
|Nine year old Isaac is asked by his mother what he has learned in Hebrew school. |
"Well mum," says Isaac, "our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and everyone walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent men to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Really Isaac," says his mother, "is that really what your teacher taught you?"
"Not really mum," replies Isaac, "but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe me."
|One breakfast time, little Rebecca says to her mum, -What two things can't you have for breakfast, mum?? |
-I don't know??
-Lunch and dinner, of course.?
|One breakfast time, little Rivkah's mum asks her, -What do cats eat for breakfast, darling?? |
-I don't know, mum.?
|One day at school, little Max was talking to his best friend David. |
-David, have you heard the joke about the dustbin lorry??
-No I haven't,? replied David.
-Don't worry,? said Max, -it's only a load of rubbish.?
|One day at school, little Morris and little Henry had a race and Henry won. |
Morris then says to Henry, -you won, but I know what you lost.?
-What did I lose, then??
|One day, little Isaac says to his dad, -Did you hear about the stupid fool who keeps going around saying "no"?? |
-Oh, so it's you.?
|One day, little Rifka went up to her dad and said, -Dad, I want to play our piano but I can't open the lid.? |
-Of course you can't,? said her dad, 'the keys are inside.?
|One day, little Sam is out walking with his dad. |
Sam says, -Do you know what runs but never walks, dad??
-I don't know, Sam.?
|One day, two lovely babies are sitting in their carrycots while their mothers are having coffee. All is quiet. Suddenly, one baby says to the other, "Are you a little boy or are you a little girl?" |
The other baby says, "I have no idea."
"Why don't you know?" asks the first baby.
"Because I don't know how to tell the difference," says the second baby.
"Well I can tell," says the first baby. "I?ll come over and find out for you."
So the first baby crawls into the second baby's carrycot and goes under the blankets. A few seconds later, the first baby comes back out.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he says.
"You must be very clever," says the baby girl, "how can you tell?"
"It's easy peasy," replies the baby boy, "you're wearing pink boots and I'm wearing blue boots."
|One morning, little Avrahom is eating his cheese and tomato sandwich when his mother says to him, -Do you know what cheese is made backwards?? |
|One Sunday, little David is with his parents on a boat on the river Thames. His dad asks him, -What do you think sea monsters eat, David?? |
-I don't know, dad.?
-Fish and ships.?
|Teacher asks her class, -Does anybody know what starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?? |
Little Benjy puts up his hand and says, -A teapot, miss.?
|The Hebrew teacher asks Moshe, "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" |
"No," replies Moshe, "how could he? He only had two worms."
|The Hebrew teacher says to her class, "We have recently been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" |
"Aces," says Sarah.
|Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.|
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
|When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. |
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
|While she was eating her lockshen pudding, little Judith's mum says to her, -Do you know what cries and wobbles, darling?? |
-A jelly baby.?
|Why did little Arnold wear a belt on his teeth? |
Because he couldn't find his braces.
|A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. |
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
|Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out? |
Yes, over there- the same way that you came in!
|Q:What do two oceans do when they meet? |
A:Nothing! Just wave
|Question: Which is the oldest animal in the world? |
Answer: The Zebra. It is the only animal that is still black and white.
|This guy went to school and he asked |
"May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, " no not unless you say your abc's."
The guy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
The teacher asked "Where's the p?
He replied, " running down my leg!"
|Two cannibals are eating a clown. |
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
|What did the bee say to the flower? |
|What is the best type of ship? |
|What's the opposite of Dominoes? |
Domi doesnt know.
|Which runs faster, hot or cold? |
Hot. Everyone can catch cold.
|Why did the Skeleton go to the movies by himself? |
He had no body to go with him.