Doctors Jokes | Best and Funniest

Doctors Jokes

This page contains information about the funniest top 100 doctors jokes that are funny weird or silly. Examples are jokes about patients, nurses, surgeons and so on ... If that's what you're loooking for then this is the place for you. Below you will find a table of the top doctors jokes, containing the best of the best. Enjoy and make sure to add this page to your favourite section for easy reference in the future.

Doctors Jokes
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure," the blonde replied, "but not by a doctor!"
"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year-old man after the examination.
"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint: My sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?" he gasped.
"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."
"Lower it!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year-old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."
A 92-year-old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year-old daughter that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a rolling bed by the nurse and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room, the nurse leaves the young girl behind the surgery room door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining the patient's naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.
When a third man starts examining her body so closely yet again, the girl grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders. "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to see a gynecologist. The doctor took one good look at this woman, and his professionalism was a thing of the past. Right away, he told her to undress.
After she has disrobed, he began to stroke her thigh. As he did, he said to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes." she said. "You are checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct." said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," said the woman. "You are checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replied the doctor. He then gradually proceeded to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes."
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:06 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender. "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
A doctor told Mrs. Darcy to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina.
A month later, when Mrs. Darcy came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Davis answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early 80's model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
A lady went to the doctor and complained that her husband was losing interest in sex. The doctor gave her a pill, but warned her that it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in her husband's mashed potatoes at dinner, and so she does just that.
About a week later, she returned back to the doctor's office and said, "That pill worked great. I put it in my husband's mashed potatoes just like you said. It wasn't five minutes later, and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor said, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize that the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Naah. That's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway."
A lesbian goes to the doctor for her annual physical. After the OB/GYN completes the physical the doc says, "You can get dressed now. Your test results will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you."
When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health, I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh."
The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that... You see, I have a woman in three times a week."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine.. eight... seven..."
A man kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. The doctor said, "Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea."
The patient protested, "But, Doc, I love tea." The doctor replied, "Well, okay, as long as you take the spoon out."
A man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor.
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A man was in an accident and unfortunately, his penis was chopped off. The victim was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him.
After careful examination the doctor said, "We can replace it with a small size for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife."
When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor. "We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife says that she'd rather have a new kitchen."
A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later, the man complained to the doctor that the suppositories hadn't produced the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" asked the doctor.
"What do you think I've been doing," replied the man, "shoving them up my butt?"
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies, "She choked."
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operation shock, spoke to the doctor about it. "Don't worry about a thing, nurse," the doctor assured her. "He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing that read: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A physician helping people in a rural area was called to a farmhouse to help a lady give birth. The house had no electricity to he lit a kerosene lamp and handed it to the seven-year-old daughter of the house hold and told her to hold it up so he could see what he was doing.
The baby was born. The doctor cut the tube, wiped the baby's mouth and nose and then held it up by the feet while he slapped it on the bottom so it would begin to breath on its own. The little girl then said, "Hit that baby again, Doc. That baby had no business crawling up in there."
A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.
The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."
The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.
"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"
"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor
A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.
The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."
Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS.
Shocked, the son kept his mouth shut, but as soon as they were alone, he turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?"
The father replied, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mother when I'm gone."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV, there ain't," she replied.
A woman went to doctor's office on morning. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about five minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in.
Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. "Yes, that's right. The fee is $200. Yes, I'll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I'm a very busy man."
He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?" "No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone."
A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."
The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."
The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."
The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"
The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."
The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"
After having their eleventh child, a redneck couple decided that they had enough children. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed the man to go home, light a cherry bomb,put it into a beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said, "I may not be the smartest guy on the block, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, and putting it next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor assured the man that the procedure was guaranteed to work.
The man left the doctor's office and when we arrived home, he lit a cherry bomb and put it into a beer can. Then, he held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5." The man paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it."
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"
The doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"
The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine."
"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"
"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!" replied the old man.
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
The old gentleman approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?" The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the very embarrassed man.
The old gent recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... And, I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"
Bartender: Joe, you look kinda down, what's the matter?
Joe: Well I went to the doctor this morning and told him I had to get some of those Viagra pills. The Doctor told me they wouldn't help my love life at all.
Bartender: Why not? I thought that they would do the trick for any guy.
Joe: The doctor told me it wouldn't help me at all to put a good flag pole on such a worn out old building!
Chandler wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually."
Deep in the backwoods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and a doctor was called out to help. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Gee! Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?
The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.
Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.
It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.
And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday
Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.
Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."
I just hope it's not Alzheimer's," confessed the older gentleman to his doctor. "Maybe there's some kind of memory medicine you can give me. See, I'm getting terribly forgetful; I lose track of where I'm going or what I'm supposed to do when I get there. What should I do?" he asked glumly.
"Pay me in advance," the doctor promptly suggested.
Jeff was complaining to his friend Biff that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative, Jeff. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour? That's what I do," Biff said.
"Sounds great," Jeff replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the room waiting for fifty-five minutes!" replied Biff.
Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Mr. Smith was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done. After several days of hospitalization, a nurse finally came into his room and stated, "Mr. Smith, I have some bad news and some good news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Mr. Smith solemnly replied, "Well, tell me the bad news first."
The nurse said, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the s**t out of you."
Mr. T is speeding down the road in the A-Team van. He sees the little old lady too late and slams on the brakes, skidding to a halt just inches from her. The aerials on the van whip forward, slashing her badly.
She's rushed to hospital where the doctor takes a careful look at her wounds and utters those immortal words... "This must be the worst case of van-aerial disease I've ever seen!"
On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a geisha girl. Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his penis.
He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away." Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an Asian doctor. They must deal with this all the time.
He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said, "These American Doctors - so quick to Chop. Chop. Chop. Amputation not necessary."
Joe was relieved. Dr. Wong said, "You wait three weeks and it will fall off on its own."
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
One afternoon, two doctors from India were having an animated discussion. "I say it's spelled 'W-H-O-O-M'," said the first Indian doctor.
"No, it is 'W-H-O-M-B'," said the other Indian doctor.
An American nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled 'W-O-M-B'."
"Thank you nurse," said one of the doctors, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves. Besides, we don't think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water."
One day a woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.
Then the doctor asked the woman, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
One morning, the doctor and his wife were having a very heated argument over breakfast. As he stormed out of the house on his way to the clinic, the doctor angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided that he had better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
The wife replied, "I was in bed."
Then the doctor asked, "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
His wife responded, "Getting a second opinion."
Please be advised that your Optirectomy operation is scheduled for 8:00 a.m.
The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and, hopefully, get rid of your s***ty outlook on life. It has been noted that you have been in less than perfect humor lately.
Sam Gold made an appointment with a urologist, famous for his work in the field of impotence. The doctor examined him and said, "You're in remarkably good condition for a man of 85. Why are you here?"
Sam replied, "My friend Max says he has sex twice a week. I can't do that."
The doctor shrugged. "Yes you can. You can certainly say you have sex as many times a week as you like."
Shirley was in her late 60's when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion and cramps. After a thorough examination he finally confronted her with, "Shirley, although it's medically impossible, even at your extended age, there's no doubt about it, you are pregnant."
"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away. When Shirley came to she staggered to the phone and dialed up her 86-year-old boyfriend, "You old goat, you've knocked me up."
There was a long pause at the other end of the line, then a voice asked, "And to whom am I speaking?"
Some of the boys got together to play poker one Saturday night. After about four hours of playing, Jim had severe chest pains and suddenly he slumped over. One of the gamblers, who happened to be a doctor, examined him. To everyone's surprise and shock, poor Jim had died of a heart attack.
None of his friends knew just how to break the sad news to Jim's wife. Finally Floyd said, "I think that I can be diplomatic about it, and break the news to her gently."
Floyd rang the bell at Jim's house. When Jim's wife answered the door, Floyd calmly said to her, "Jim just gambled with us and lost $1,000."
When Jim's wife heard this she said, "Just tell Jim to just drop dead!" Floyd replied, "That's exactly what he did."
The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."
"WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants."
"Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized."
The Un-Associated Press reported in a news bulletin today that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them.
"Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."
"Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?"
"He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician.
"Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully, "DeNephew."
There is a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.
The chief resident is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees as patient masturbating in his room. "What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the resident replies. "If he doesn't ejaculate 40 to 50 times a day, he'll become disoriented."
As the two continue their rounds, the student peeks into another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank goodness I'm not a gynecologist.'"
This girl walks into the doctor's office to get her breasts checked and the doctor sees a big 'S' on her body. "What is that from?" the doctor queries.
"My lover goes to Stanford and even when he is making love he wears his Stanford sweatshirt."
Soon after, another girl walks in to get her breasts checked and the doctor notices a big 'Y' on her body. "What's that from?" he asked. "My lover goes to Yale and he loves it so much that he wears his sweatshirt even when we make love."
Another girl walks in and a big 'M' is on her chest. "Let me guess, your lover goes to Michigan," the doctor said.
The third girl replied, "No, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."
This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?"
The guy replied, "A naked woman."
Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed."
This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot. The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert."
The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all of those naughty pictures."
Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. Two of the ladies began to chat about their pregnancies, and their due dates and such.
One of the women said to the other, "I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top."
Replied the other woman, "Oh! That must mean that I'm going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top."
The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two ladies turned to her and asked, "My heavens, what ever is wrong?"
The third woman wailed tearfully, "I'm afraid that I may be having a puppy!"
Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."
"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

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