Animals Jokes | Best and Funniest

Animals Jokes

This page contains information about the funniest top 100 animals jokes that are funny weird or silly. Examples are jokes about dogs, cats, horses and so on ... If that's what you're loooking for then this is the place for you. Below you will find a table of the top animals jokes, containing the best of the best. Enjoy and make sure to add this page to your favourite section for easy reference in the future.


Animals Jokes
"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog."
A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off. He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rectum.
As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's butt?"
The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips."
The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure.
The cowboy said, "Nope. But, sure as s**t, it keeps me from licking my lips!"
A farmer was bragging. "I've got 350 sheep." "That's a lot of sheep," said another farmer.
"And I've got 500 chickens," bragged the farmer.
"That's a lot of chickens," answered the second farmer.
"And 40 bulls," added the farmer.
The other farmer replied, "Boy! That IS a lot of bull."
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
The guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
A guy walks into a bar carrying a small monkey. As he sits down, the monkey jumps off his shoulder and starts running around, eating everything in sight. He eats the bar peanuts, he gobbles the fruit garnish, he chows down the pretzels, everything. Finally, he jumps onto the pool table and swallows a cue ball - whole.
The bartender is a little more than pissed, and complains to the monkey's owner, "Did you see what that little bugger just did?"
The man answers, "Yeah, he's a right little s**t, he is, eating everything in sight like he does. I can't control him, but don't worry, I'll pay for everything he's eaten." The man settles up with the bartender, grabs the monkey and leaves.
Two weeks later, the man returns to the bar, still carrying the monkey. This time the monkey jumps to the bar, grabs a Maraschino cherry, stuffs it up his ass, pulls it out and finally eats it. The bartender is quite shocked. "That's disgusting. Did you see what your monkey did this time?" he asks.
The man answers, "Yeah, he still eats everything in sight, all right. But ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures it first!"
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo. I just gotta see this."
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving the horse from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again, and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thing' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did, and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pickup chicks.
A hyena is drinking at the watering hole one day, when he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle, making it fly the better part of a mile.
The hyena asks, "What did you do that for?"
"Well," answers the pachyderm, "About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB, and paid him back."
"Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember what that elephant looked like after that many years?"
The elephant replied, "I have turtle recall."
A lady and her dog were enjoying a lovely stroll in the park. All of a sudden, her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rotweiler. The Rottie was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said, "That's my dog and he certainly can dish it out, but he sure can't take it."
A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
A lady went to a pet shop. "I would like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.
"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.
"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.
But the pet storeowner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"Okay," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert," "Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the Denver Zoo?"
A not-too-intelligent man walks into town to purchase some animals to start his farm. He walks over to the farmers' market and asks the vendor for a rooster. The clerk says "We don't call them roosters here, we call 'em cocks."
So he buys one cock, then points at another animal and asks, "What do you call that?" The clerk replies, "That's a pullet." The man agrees to purchase one.
Lastly, he asks the vendor for a donkey. The clerk replies "We don't call them donkeys, we call 'em an ass, but we only have one left an he's very temperamental." The man says he needs one anyway, and asks what's wrong with it. The clerk says that once in a while it will stop walking and it won't budge unless you scratch it behind the ears.
The man pays for his animals and begins to walk home. Along the way, the donkey stops and doesn't move.
The man has his arms full with the rooster and pullet, and stops a woman who was passing by. He says, "Pardon me, would you mind holding my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?"
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Emily put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Justin. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Brandon at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall mutha-f**ka!"
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well."
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two-dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky. How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive."
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle, and now she poops in little plastic bags."
A young man was out walking his dog in the park, when a beautiful young woman stopped to admire the animal.
"What's your dog's name?" she asked flirtatiously.
"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
"How odd!" exclaimed the woman. "Why in the world did you name your dog Herpes?"
The young man replied, "Because he just won't heel."
Ancient Chinese proverb:
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Ben:My dog doesn't have nose!
Joey:How does he smell then?
Ben:Awful!
category: Animal jokes26-8-2009A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Dogs have about 100 different facial expressions,
most of them made with the ears.
Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners
carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
Cats have over 100 vocal sounds,
whereas, dogs only have about 10.
Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence. Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side.
"Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked.
"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was a lot higher than I thought."
Imagine that ur in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do?
...
U stop imagining...
It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For Heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the damn porridge yet!"
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around the house. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage that housed a large parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," answered the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and then asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Harry," said the bird.
"Hairy? That's a dumb name for a parrot," snickered the burglar. "What idiot named you 'Hairy'?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Pit Bull, Jesus."
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."
Man decides to buy a pet, but does not know what he wants as a pet, so he goes to the pet shop in search of a pet.
He sees cats in a cage dogs on another cage spiders, rabbits, frogs, birds, fish in aquariums and finally he sees a very colorful parrot in the corner of the store and he goes to the area where the parrot was and salesman asks him,
"Are you interested in this parrot?" the man says, "Does he talk?" the salesman says,
"If you pull his left leg he will say the our father and if you pull his right leg, he will say the hailmary!"
The man says, "What will the parrot say if I pull both legs at the same time?"
The parrot says, "I'll fall on my ass stupid!"
Once upon a time there was a family of storks: Papa Stork, Mama Stork, and Baby Stork. One evening, Papa wasn't at dinner. Mama left food out for him, but he didn't come home at all that night.
When he finally did come home the next day, Baby Stork asked, "Papa, where were you all night, last night?" Papa replied, "Out making a young couple very happy."
Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner. Papa and Baby waited for a long while, then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't make it home till late the next morning.
When she tiredly sank into her favorite chair, Baby asked her, "Mama, where were you all last night?" "I was out making a young couple very happy," she sighed.
Later that autumn, Baby was late for dinner. Papa and Mama were very concerned. Their anxiety increased when Baby still wasn't home by sunset. They waited up late together for Baby, but he didn't arrive home until early morning. Papa was angry. "Just where in the hell were you all night, Baby Stork?"
"Out scaring the s**t out of college students," Baby Stork giggled.
One man walking on the street with two penguins.
His friends get very angry when they see him and they told him to take poor animals to zoo.
Man said them that's great idea and he left.
After 2 hours they saw him again with two penguins and they are angry.
Man said "Why you angry? We been there and now we are going to cinema."
Polar Bear Practical Joke:
First, cut a big hole in the ice on a frozen lake. Then open a can of peas, and spread them around the hole. Then hide, where you can watch the hole.
When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!
Q.Why was tiger looking inside the toilet
A.He was looking for Pooh!
Q: Did you hear about the magician who had to postpone his show?
A: He had just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.
Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chew and hops, the other hews and chops
Q: How can you tell if a snake enjoyed a good joke?
A: He laughs hsssssss-terically.
Q: What do you call a deadly snake with a lovely singing voice?
A: A choral snake.
Q: Why did the snake travel from coast to coast?
A: In order to make a long-distance coil.
Q: How did the farmer's wife keep track of their farm's steer population?
A: She used cattle logs.
Q: What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?
A: Decalfinated.
Q: What composer is the favorite among dogs?
A: Poochini.
Q: What do you call a cat that sings just like Pavarotti?
A: Mewsical.
Q: What do you call a cat that meows all night and loses its voice?
A: Mewtilated
Q: What do you call a canary that forgets to go south in the winter?
A: A brrrrrr-d.
Q: What do you call a crime boss's parrot?
A: Godfeather.
Q: What kind of birds like to recite poetry?
A: Parrokeats.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter because he won't come anyway.
Q: What do you call a dog with a cold?
A: Germy Shepherd.
Q: What does a Chow Chow say when you turn it inside-out?
A: "Ouch, ouch!"
Q: What do you call a dog owned by Count Dracula?
A: A bloodhound.
Q: What do you call a contrary German Shepherd?
A: A K-nein.
Q: What do you call a female dog that leads a gang of neutered puppies?
A: Queen of spayeds.
Q: What do you call a snake that becomes a Canadian law officer?
A: Mountie Python.
Q: What do you get when you cross a hen with a hyena?
A: An animal that laughs at every yolk.
Q: How is manna from heaven like horse hay?
A: Both are food from aloft.
Q: What happened when a farmer crossed an owl with a pig?
A: The owl gave everybody dirty looks.
Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Mallardjusted.
Q: Why was it that the Drake never got to see a human face?
A: Every time it flew over, someone yelled, "Duck!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A: A bird that hogs the conversation.
Q: What is a pig's favorite ballet?
A: Swine Lake.
Q: What is a pig's favorite card game?
A: Porker.
Q: What is a pig's favorite game?
A: Fat Backgammon
Q: Who is a pig's favorite movie star?
A: Kevin Bacon - He's a real ham.
Q: What is a pig's favorite play?
A: Hamlet
Q: Do lady pigs join the sowing circle?
A: No, they're too busy bacon pies.
Q: What is a pig's favorite city?
A: Hamburg, of course.
Q: What are a pig's favorite operas?
A: La Bo-Ham, and Porky and Bess
Q: What is a zebra?
A: 25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: Gatorade.
Q. What kind of ticks do you find on the moon?
A. Luna-ticks.
Q: What did the frog collector say when he went to the doctor?
A: Wart's up, doc."
Q: What did the man call his obedient frog?
A: One who toad the line
Did you hear about the magic frog that perched on a lily pad and turned it into a toadstool?
Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
Q: Who did the breeder summon when his thoroughbred was possessed by the devil?
A: An exhorsist.
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep.
Q: What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
A: Elk-a-seltzer.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A: 'El if I know.
Q: What's the difference between a dog burying a bone and a heckler?
A: Nothing. They both rely on digs to get what they want.
Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!" Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Claudette Ramsey ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the scruffiest, mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," the man replied. "He's in the Secret Service."
The boy's mother looked at her sons as they cleaned up their bloodied fingers. "Well, have you two finally learned never to go near snapping turtles at the pond?" she asked.
One of the boys replied, "Yes, Ma'am. It really tortoise a lesson."
The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT! I'm a RABBIT!"
The man of the house was mixing a martini, and a kitten was studying every action intently. She watched him take the ice from the freezer. She followed the ice to the glass. She helped him measure out the liquor and stared at the ritual of the spearing of the olives.
Suddenly, a lemon twist slipped from his hands and flew across the kitchen. The kitten couldn't believe her luck. She got there first. She bit into the yellow twist before the man could stop her, certain of a wonderful treat these humans enjoy.
The kitten's face screwed up as she spit out the bitter rind.
"Aha," said the mixologist," so you have learned: A rind is a terrible thing to taste."
There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a Puma.
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot western skies.
The Puma had no sense of huma!
There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. "Before you start," the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is: Praise the Lord, and Stop is: Amen."
So the man on the horse says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!"
The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord!" . . .
There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So the young wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." The clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does knows karate."
The wife didn't believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.
When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, "Karate my ass!" And to this very day, he is in the hospital.
There were two Orca (killer whales) swimming around the Arctic Ocean.
One whale turned to the other whale and said, "Hey! Do you see that fishing boat off in the distance? What do you say we swim over there, blow some water out of our blow holes, ram the boat and eat all the fishermen?"
The second killer whale said, "Well, I am up for the blow job, but I don't eat seamen."
This guy had a parrot he trained to sing. Once he took the parrot to the bar and told everyone that if you put a match under the parrot's right foot he would sing Jingle Bells and if you put the match under his left foot he would sign White Christmas.
Of course the people in the bar wanted to see it. And, sure enough. He put a match under the parrot's right foot and he sang Jingle Bells. He put the match under the parrot's left foot, and low and behold, he sang White Christmas.
One guy asked him what would happen if he put a match between the parrot's legs. He answered, "I don't know. Try it and find out."
So, the guy put a match between the parrot's legs, and immediately the parrot began singing, "Chestnuts roasting... "
Three mice in a pub having a bevy discussing who's the hardest.
1st mouse says I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out
and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 times
and throw it across the room!
2nd mouse says : you poof! I get rat poison' crush it into powder and
snort it.
3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, where are you going? asked the other 2. Home he replied to shag the cat!!
Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York.
Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island.
As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.
The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up.
He then turns to his brother and says, "What part of the dog did you get?"
Two fish in a tank - one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
Two men were walking down the road and saw a dog licking its balls. The first man said, "Gee I wish I could do that."
The second man replied, "Better pet him first. He might bite."
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of hungry wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it, or should we stay here for a few days and out number them?"
Two snakes are talking.
One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?"
The other replays, "Yes,why?..."
"I just bit ma lip."
Two snakes were slithering through a field. One snake turned to the other and asked, "Do you suppose we are poisonous?"
"I don't know," replied the other, "Why?"
"Well," said the first snake, "I just bit my lip."
What dou you call a fish with no eyes? A FSH
What has four legs and an arm?
A Happy Pit Bull.
Where do wild pigs go on weekends?
Pignics
While driving down a dirt road in my pickup truck in a rural agricultural part of Iowa with my pet donkey in the back, I discovered that I had a flat tire. I got out of my truck and had the donkey stick its head under the bumper to lift the truck.
A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that's a pretty clever trick. How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?"
I replied, "It's a simple matter of the breed; this is a jack ass."
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fire.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

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